I do not talk often about the thought of another child or my
infertility issues. It’s not a secret;
it is not something to be hushed.
If you were to sit down with me and ask I would share my heart with
you. But the subject is not one
that everyone can handle. People
are not sure what to say and often I just feel the subject changes the mood to
sadness, who wants that, so it is easier for others if I just keep it
inside or keep it with those I feel safe.
Today I am going to share. Today I am going to be open. Today you will read a few notes that
were made over the last year and blog that has been postponed for over 6 months of not being ready to share.
Fall 2014 MOP’s
As I sat at my MOP’s table we talked about how we need to
accept our current struggle and pray for it together. One young mother started crying about her infertility and
the process of IVF. My heart was
in my stomach, I had never shared with my table my struggles because it’s always
so depressing. Who wants to walk
away so sad but this young woman had been struggling for along time. She needed another women to come along
side her and encourage her. She
talked about how she felt bad because she has one child that they had from IVF
and how sometimes she feels bad because she should be grateful. My mentor mom kept looking at me
waiting for me to speak.
Dear Lord,
My heart is heavy today. I have been doing a deep spring-cleaning of the house and
some how it always means a cleaning of my heart and soul. I find ovulation test and medicines of
my past hopes. I see them with
angry eyes and a sad heart. The
cleaning and getting ride of these items means the end of my last hopes and
dreams that I have to let go. It’s
time to move on. Even though I may
move on from the objects of reminders, my heart remembers. My heart is heavy with sadness. Some days I go right past that sadness
and I don’t feel anything. My days
are too busy to bother to let them in and work through them. As time goes on I know the visit of the
sadness will lessen but for now it comes as the wind and reminds me of things
lost. Of what could have been,
what our dreams were, and what our hearts longed for.
Lord, I know your love for me never changes but my love for
myself changes. I wonder if I have
done something wrong, am I being punished, what might you be teaching me? I am thankful for the people you have
put in my life that have loved me and encouraged me. These ladies have helped to open my heart to feel the
immense pain, to open my heart to let them love me, to care for me, and to
encourage me.
In life we all fail, we all must pick ourselves up and walk
again. We must face the failure
and move on.
We have tried for years to conceive more children but it has not happened. We have gone to fertility specialist with IUI treatments and even searched the internet for different remedies. All this has left me tired, stressed, and overwhelmed with sadness that it is time, time to walk away. One night before the next set of IUI treatments, bloodwork, and ultrasounds I said no more. I was done and ready to walk away. I was ready to stop fighting. I was ready to turn and see the sunlight and not walk back into the dark hole of fighting and pushing I had be in the midst of for 3 years. I have two beautiful children. It is not in God's plan...right now adding another child to our family is not in his plan. Only prayer could help settle my soul, to heal the pain so I can put this part of my life behind me with a healed heard and knowing God knows best. Knowing this is his plan for me.
There are different levels of mourning, specifically 5 stages, I have been back and forth through all of them and all though I sometimes think about the what if my heart is content and have entered the stage of acceptance, per a counselor;) I am not just making this stuff up here. I am feeling healed and happy. It has taken a long time and although the yearning sometimes sparks up in me I am content with knowing where I am, who I am in God.
