I do not talk often about the thought of another child or my infertility issues. It’s not a secret; it is not something to be hushed. If you were to sit down with me and ask I would share my heart with you. But the subject is not one that everyone can handle. People are not sure what to say and often I just feel the subject changes the mood to sadness, who wants that, so it is easier for others if I just keep it inside or keep it with those I feel safe.
Today I am going to share. Today I am going to be open. Today you will read a few notes that were made over the last year and blog that has been postponed for over 6 months of not being ready to share.
Fall 2014 MOP’s
As I sat at my MOP’s table we talked about how we need to accept our current struggle and pray for it together. One young mother started crying about her infertility and the process of IVF. My heart was in my stomach, I had never shared with my table my struggles because it’s always so depressing. Who wants to walk away so sad but this young woman had been struggling for along time. She needed another women to come along side her and encourage her. She talked about how she felt bad because she has one child that they had from IVF and how sometimes she feels bad because she should be grateful. My mentor mom kept looking at me waiting for me to speak.
My heart is heavy today. I have been doing a deep spring-cleaning of the house and some how it always means a cleaning of my heart and soul. I find ovulation test and medicines of my past hopes. I see them with angry eyes and a sad heart. The cleaning and getting ride of these items means the end of my last hopes and dreams that I have to let go. It’s time to move on. Even though I may move on from the objects of reminders, my heart remembers. My heart is heavy with sadness. Some days I go right past that sadness and I don’t feel anything. My days are too busy to bother to let them in and work through them. As time goes on I know the visit of the sadness will lessen but for now it comes as the wind and reminds me of things lost. Of what could have been, what our dreams were, and what our hearts longed for.
Lord, I know your love for me never changes but my love for myself changes. I wonder if I have done something wrong, am I being punished, what might you be teaching me? I am thankful for the people you have put in my life that have loved me and encouraged me. These ladies have helped to open my heart to feel the immense pain, to open my heart to let them love me, to care for me, and to encourage me.
In life we all fail, we all must pick ourselves up and walk again. We must face the failure and move on.
We have tried for years to conceive more children but it has not happened. We have gone to fertility specialist with IUI treatments and even searched the internet for different remedies. All this has left me tired, stressed, and overwhelmed with sadness that it is time, time to walk away. One night before the next set of IUI treatments, bloodwork, and ultrasounds I said no more. I was done and ready to walk away. I was ready to stop fighting. I was ready to turn and see the sunlight and not walk back into the dark hole of fighting and pushing I had be in the midst of for 3 years. I have two beautiful children. It is not in God's plan...right now adding another child to our family is not in his plan. Only prayer could help settle my soul, to heal the pain so I can put this part of my life behind me with a healed heard and knowing God knows best. Knowing this is his plan for me.
There are different levels of mourning, specifically 5 stages, I have been back and forth through all of them and all though I sometimes think about the what if my heart is content and have entered the stage of acceptance, per a counselor;) I am not just making this stuff up here. I am feeling healed and happy. It has taken a long time and although the yearning sometimes sparks up in me I am content with knowing where I am, who I am in God.